P.S. You Rock My World: Final Musings from Saskatchewan

Not a bad way to spend my last day on the flatlands, eh? Plus 28 degrees, Heinekens, a pool, and a view. I may have gotten a wee bit too much sun however, as I’m in a teensy bit of pain at the moment.

Anyway, so I’ve been writing a ton the last while, maybe it’s some kind of weird purging ritual I have to go through in my decompression??? So I figured, what’s one more contemplative (hah) blog!?

This trip home has been a good one for me, really very relaxing. It’s really been good for me to be away from things and help me gain some perspective. The other day I visited the gravesite of an old friend of mine who killed himself some years ago, not really sure why. But it had been a few years since I’d been there and while driving by I felt I should stop. I was so struck by the incredibly fitting epitaph they had for him, I had forgotten what it read: “he was easy to love.” But what really struck me while I was there, was exactly how much life has gone by since his passing. How many births, deaths, relationships, and life changing events have happened in the time since he’s been gone for what, in relative terms, is a short period of time. He never even had the chance to find out what potential lay ahead for him. There is, of course, always something different when someone ends their own life – why he didn’t think there was anything there for him in the future. But it strikes me even more when I think about Juan. When I think about how much potential lay in him, in that brilliant, funny, loving soul that’s gone now.

So I went for a walk to ponder some of these things and this song by one of my very favourite bands came round on my CD player:

“I was at a funeral the day I realized
I wanted to spend my life with you.
Sitting down on the steps, at the old post office
The flag was hanging at half mast.
And I was thinking ‘bout how everyone was dying,
And maybe it’s time to live…”

What this means for me right now, I’m not entirely sure – but it just clicked with me. It sort of sums up things for me right now. The last 6 months I’ve dealt with a lot of death, with a lot of loss. But despite all those things, I know that I’m an incredibly lucky person who’s had some pretty amazing opportunities, and has some pretty amazing people in my life. And I have only myself to blame if I don’t make the most of these opportunities; if I don’t visit the places I’ve been dying to see; if I don’t nurture all the relationships in my life; if I don’t at least try to go after what it is I really want. In yet another clichéd vein, what do any of us really have to lose in the grand scheme of things? But there’s always so much to gain.

So yeah, maybe it’s time to live…